Friday, March 08, 2013

unquiet

My first ultrasound involved sticking a wand up my yoo-hoo a few days after things started to go badly to confirm that no, I was not pregnant anymore and no, I did not need my insides scraped out (thank goodness). Because I miscarried just before I would have had a normal first ultrasound, I never saw a tiny blob of baby on a screen and I never found out what my due date would have been.

From talking to the midwife's office it would have been March. From doing some basic math the answer is right now, this week. I'm trying not to think on it too much but I'm confuddled. I feel cloudy and foggy and I can't quite pin down what's wrong but I think it's this.

Soon after I lost my baby people started coming out of the woodwork to announce their pregnancies. I've got about three friends and acquaintances who are having babies this week, another half a dozen who are having them this month - and that's just the people I know in real life.

Really, I'm happy for them. I am. But thinking about them is really uncomfortable. I just feel off. I'm glad that none of them are close enough to be visiting those little bundles of perfect little babies with those heartbreakingly tiny fingers and toes. I hope everything goes well for them, and I hope for healthy happy little babies ... but I don't want them anywhere near me right now.

Subjectively it's been quite a bit of time since I've been truly bothered and hurt by everything. But this week has been rough, and even though I had intellectually known to be prepared for thatI wasn't quite prepared for it.

2 comments:

  1. Hugs to you. If you ever need to vent / rant /shout/ let it all out/ to anyone external, know that I am here.
    If you need anything, if there is anything that I could do to make it better... if stroopwafels in the mail could help, just say it.
    It is weird / funny / scary / amazing that your body "knows", that you are feeling this way and it coincides with all of this.
    (Sometimes I see people with babies, and I start counting months, and I reach the conclusion that I could have 2 babies by now... like some people have. It has helped me to invent this story where I pretend I live in a parallel universe where things happen differently and remind my mind constantly that my story is not anyone else's... that our path is another one, and I try to think of something else if I get to negative. If I feed the negative thoughts I have the feeling that I would spiral down, easily, to a very dark place).
    Your baby materially existed for a short while, and he will always be part of you.
    Feel whatever you need to feel. Cry, scream, throw stuff. But know that it will be ok. I know we don't know that, but in a way it will... if we make it be.
    I wish you and Bunny the best.

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    1. Thanks hun. :) I appreciate knowing there's an ear out there if I need it who has some idea what it's like. It's been a rough weekend, but having the space to feel what I needed to feel was really good.

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